life sometimes feels like a movie...

"I was thinking, for me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore.
I was suffering so much all the time.
I still have lots of dreamns, but they're not in regard to my love life.
It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.
Obviously I can't deal with the day-to-day life of a relationship.
We have this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him,
but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone's always around me, I'm suffocating.
You need to love to be loved, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous.
It's a disaster.
I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own.
Even being alone, it's better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.
It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and after you've been screwed over a few times
you forget about all your delusional ideas and you take what comes into your life.
That's not even true.
I haven't been screwed over, I've just had too many blah relationships.
They weren't mean, they cared for me but there were no real connection or excitement.
At least, not from my side...
I remember how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and now it's like I don't believe in anything that relates to love.
I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again.
Like, somehow this night took things away from me and I expressed them to you, and you took them with you. It made me feel cold, like love wasn't for me.
You know what?
Reality and love are almost contradictory for me.
It's funny, every single of my exes, they're now married.
Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married.
And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is and that I taught them to care and respect women.
I want to kill them!
Why didn't they ask me? I would have said no, but they could have asked!
I know it's my fault because I never felt it was the right man. Never.
But what does it mean, the right man, the love of your life?
The concept is absurd. We can only be complete with another person. It's evil, right?
I guess I've been heartbroken too many times and then I recovered.
So now, you know, from the starts, I make no effort.
'Cause I know it's not gonna work out."

Before Sunset.